Fun with definitions

Face (book) it - if you're status is annoying be prepared to become famous...

If your status is annoying you may just end up on this blog for your 15 minutes of fame promised by Andy Warhol when he was high on Campbells' soup fumes.

This blog is hilarious - I read it daily. Simply put - the authors encourage their readers to email any Face book status they feel qualifys as "annoying".  If the author accepts it - a small photocopy of the annoying status from Face book - complete with pictures of the irritant and participants - will be posted on Your Status is Annoying for readers to comment on - and that they do.

One really cool thing i found out today  - if they think one of your comments on a post is hilarious, they will post a link to your blog via their "Your comment is hilarious" section.

Check them out - and don't feel bad if one of your annoying Face book wall whines or gushes shows up there under "annoying" in the future.  Take it as your Andy Warhol 15 minutes of fame and remember - we ALL fall into both catagories (annoying AND annoyed)  many times during our years on earth  - so laugh it off and report someone elses annoying status!

The Good Beer Blimp float over The Outhouse Moon trailer park

The Christmas puppy

AWWW.....

ROH RO...

STD post cards – Mail one from another town to someone you’ve infected

 

Look! The turkey didn’t even have to pay this time….

 

I just can’t help but think that the chickens and cows finally have their revenge…

 

My fine literary style, and recently discovered talent for photography, score me yet another book deal…

Just thought I’d provide you with yet another shameless “sought-after author this time turned Photographer” update in regards to  Wonderful Glorius ME!

I just got word via Google Hollywood Watch that not only did my tumultuous hours-long hour of research into the oft-times mysterious field of “Herpes and other fun-filled, yet itchy, dating solutions” net me yet ANOTHER unexpected “book” deal (to be worked out when I can find the “publishing house” that took it without my permission, per usual – of course), but this time it seems they have also saw fit to display one of my heart-felt and emotional photography “stills” in the literary work as well – Note I have circled below in blue for your convenience, one of my finest works, held dear to my heart – a piece I simply call “Dick left-hanging”…” (i kind of stole the idea from that overrated movie entitled “Girl unfinished”, remember that? I barely do, either…)

Note the double entendre – Dick left HANGING, as in “left hanging wondering what’s next” and also Dick Left-Hanging, as in “hanging to the left in direction”…

PS - I had to enlarge "Dick" and re-do the color of the text for your visionary pleasure (notice I also added a photo of Old and Crabby's dating site mascot, Hilda - as a Shout Out to her for all her hard work at getting out the wrinkles when the site was new.  But if you think this pick is my attempt at a forgery, or you'd like to see the original "literary tribute of note" for yourself, please click on NIGMA and see my precious Dick left hanging with your own eyes...


Oh one more thing...

I just know you're dying to take another look at my latest photochopped remake of an old family fave (away from the limelight it shares with "Dick left hanging" as it deserves it's own gallery opening in my opinion)  Or maybe you think it's dumb, but either way - Here it is again, LARGER for your convenience this time ....enjoy..

Always remember my motto:  As long as I think it's funny, at least one person's laughing..

ONCE AGAIN IT’S TIME FOR “FROM CRAPCHAS – TO CRAP TRAILER TRANSLATIONS”

Did you know those stupid Crap-chas we always misspell when we try to leave a comment on a blog or fill out a stupid registration on the internet - they actually have a purpose in life besides beings a sharp thorn up the ass?

Yep! crap-chas are really mysterious translating codes from the underworld!  and when you take some crap-chas and string em' together it breaks the code and magikally translates that
word-salad mumble jumbo nonsense that the trailer people use to communicate with each other ...and aliens - and assembles it into a semi-coherent thought for the rest of the non-trailer world! 


This is how it works. Crap-chas harness their translating powers via the night sky in the midwest and bounce their radiowaves off the antenna of the biggest mobile home in a trailer park that can be beemed in via their neurotransmitters.  and ZOW! -  just like that- we now SEE first hand and comprehend the things those trailer folk having been trying to say, and in some cases - yell, at the nascar drivers on t.v. every race season for the past 300 years...


Want another example?  ok...
here are three crap-chas taken from three different website comment areas...(the ones I have here are random crap-chas that popped up in the place of the 3 preceding crap-chas i spelled wrong)

laries.  triver.  sledit. 

hmmm....if you say them really fast 3 times - it almost sounds like a more advanced DIALECT of trailer-lingo huh....anyway...but we're not in a mobile and we're not under a night sky - there's no way for the crap-chas to harness their powers in conditions like this...DAMN!  I guess we're screwed.....oh wait...

i forgot my secret weapon -  Mr. whizzerd!  "Oh mr whizzerd" ARE YOU HERE?  "Mr. Whizzerd?" (where is that loser?)

pooooof!!

  

(of course i do – it’s in a trash can behind Billy Rico's whiskey still (as usual) and i think you’re mistaking me for your MOMMA! (bitch)

(Pooofff!)

OK  - I GOT ER' DUN

YAY! Behold the CRAP-cha magik....! -


The 2009 unabridged edition of TRAILER-SPEAK allows:

ANY SPELLING OF A PROPER NAME THAT CAN BE IDENTIFIED PHONETICALLY AS AUTHENTIC - “LARIES” PHONETICALLY IS “LARRY’S” – SEE THIS TRAILER MALE IS A SMART UN!

THAT “THE RIVER” IS WHERE MOST OF THE TRAILER ELITE WASTE THEIR TIME, WELFARE MONEY and  BRAIN CELLS. HENCEFORTH THE IDIOM “T’RIVER” BECOMES "THE RIVER"

THE IDIOM “SLED IT'” IS THE UNIVERSALLY RECOGNIZED REDNECK DRUNKS WAY OF COMMUNICATING “SAID IT” IN BETWEEN GRABBING HIS SISTERS ASS AND VOMITING INTO A NASCAR KFC COLLECTORS ITEM CHICKEN BUCKET.  SO "SLED IT IS REALLY "SAID IT"



So boys and girls - what is the deep message in this case, that's being relayed from one red-neck to another?  

It's easy to deduce that in this situation this message is in regards to a family "situation" between husband and wife (or brother and sister as the case may be...)  -

"I dun SLED IT (said it) to you twyce now Iris Pauline! I wern't able to make yer Momma's fun'rel becuz I got my truk stuk at LARIES (Larry's) whilst we wast a'drinkin' Budlite at "TRIVER" (the river). So shut yer yap woman!"

SO there you have it!  A sentence spoken in the quaint little dialect known as Trailer-Speak, whose message was hidden from us by the universe for millions of years -  but is now revealed and is understood by the rest of us! (well....sort of)

Fun with trailer park CRAPCHAS...

MORE FUN WITH CRAPCHAS!!

What do we do with those annoying crapchas that are not only hard to read, hold us up trying to spell, but MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE, boys and girls?

We make our OWN sense out of them...

TODAY'S CRAPCHA IS

So far so good...

Uh oh..

Oh I know what it means...

Now it makes sense!

Heavenly Spammer....

My commentator - "EdgeFly" on Dressing Up Meatloaf for Halloween

STD WATCH 2009

I don't know if I should be flattered .....or worried....

Back in July of this year I posted several slams on Herpes and other STD dating sites.  I mean even though those places are OUT there (and out there if you knnow what i mean), I first started bagging on the subject just because I couldn't believe how "desirable" the advertisers made Herpes Dating sound, and I wanted to be the FIRST to provide the world with vision-envoking, if not appetizing, satire on being postively POSITIVE!  Since that time, I added a few posts on other STDS and even one joking about how I became a Doctor; after several webcrawled posts of mine appeared in publications such as this one:



When my "herpe/lice/STD posts took off like ROCKET I was stoked!  YAY! People understand me - and there's LOTS OF THEM!!

However, I was reviewing my blogs stats and the "key words" my viewing public had utilized to get to my blog and the first red flag went up:

Although it doesnt' look like a lot the "new day" in wordpress language just started an hour ago, central time.

And then there's always the strongest proof:

In case you can 't read this clearly, it shows 2,452 hits ALONE since 7/31 THIS YEAR on STD dating.  At first I was stoked at the overnight skyrocketing clicks I suddenly had - I figured there were more people out there would appreciated sick humor such as mine than I thought! Now I know that there's more people out there with STDS than I thought.  And they're looking for others...And I promise if I meet any...I'll post on it just for them.  

This guys got nakeds of MacKenzie!

Meet the latest, but certainly NOT the greatest, Splogger (Spam/Blogger) to contact me with infected cyberdribble. This time it was in reply to my post "People watching in traffic cheers me up!"

Note the eloquent way Mr. "Mackenzie Philips Nude blogspot.com" tries to "tempt" me with the tantilizing vision of the next washed-up celebrity to audition for Spray on Hair .."by Ron Popeel" in the very near future...he promises photos of her loveliness in the nude....

I seriously considered Mr. MPN's very enticing offer for a short moment.  I let my head fill with the glorious visions of personally aiding a publicity hungry Ms. Philips achieve her dream of  starring in a huge One Day at a Time THE MOVIE! movie come back.  I had already envisioned how the re-glamourization of  Ms. Philips would come to fruition.  All it would take to make MacKenzie shine like she had never shined before in her life would be to combine my talent, a glossy of her poor abused and malnourished body from the neck down, and the beloved happy chocolate face of my friend, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, smiling jauntily at the world from her neck up. (A sort of Hankenstein's Monster if you will...)

Then it hit me and I realized that the world was in no way ready to see a naked Mackenzie Philips, re-glamourized with Mr. Hankey or not, so I sat down and wrote out a reply to Mr. MPN: 

surprise boys and girls.........

No this isn't it. I just wanted to share my shattered dream with you for a moment....
Here's my reply:

 
(trust me when i say you won't be able to read my attempts for a comment "glossy". It wouldn't photoshop right so i've reprinted it for you...)

Dear Mr. Mackenzie Phillips nude.blogspot.com Spammer -


Thank you for you for reading my post and attempting to stir up my fantasy life. However, in regards to your comment I’m a bit confused as to your intentions. Are are you “offering” to let me see “Miss Philips” in the nude? Or are you teasing me by “implying” you have the “goods” so to speak but “maybe I no get to see Ms. Phillips Nude?”!


I’m hoping…guessing it would suffice to say that you're "teasing me" with  this erotic vision and  you're right - I don’t DESERVE to NO see Ms. Philips in the nude.  I'm a depraved sicko who likes to take pictures of unsuspecting fat people sucking up their third JUMBO size bag of Lays as they haul ass out of Save Mart parking lot, taking down old people and mothers walking their kids on leashes, in a frantic attempt to get home to their defrosted Sara Lee 3 layer cheese cake before it's time for dinner. Yep, i’m a chubby tater picture taker...MacKenzie's fine venus-like physique is WAY too classy for my portfolio.


So I guess I will have to just live with the fact that some of the finer things in life will pass me by  - all due to my ignorance of what's classy and what's not.  And I will cry myself to sleep tonite-  knowing I have only myself to blame for yet another dream dashed to pieces like so many of my Crisco can chamber pots!



I hope my new splogger friend doesn't try to persuade me next with naked pictures of  BEA ARTHUR - I don't think my photoshopping addiction would let me pass up "hankifying" Maude...

Face Book ....of the DEAD!!!

NOTE:  This is a re-post of a Facebook parody from my other blog.  I was going to write something original but since this is the "Season of Halloween" I thought this was appropriate - if not exactly P/C.  (But those of you who know me, already know that the term "P/C" is pretty much NOT in my vocabulary)  Hope you like it:



Finally, the ultimate way to beef up your appearance of Face book popularity WITHOUT the annoying "promise to check in regularly and pretend to care about your problems" communication agreement we all enter into unspoken, with each new "friend" that's added to our Friends list. That's not including exchanging those damn smileys either.

Here today, I am presenting: Face Book of the Dead

Wouldn't this just be the coolest, if most politically incorrect, Face book Friends list ever?

Think about it.

Facebook is really nothing more than a giant cyber-slam book in which millions of people all over the globe frantically hurry to connect with people they've never met, always hated or even tried killing in the past - all in the name of popularity and connection status. The upside of Face book is it's really easy to find people you hadn't thought of since you gave them a wedgie every Monday all four years of high school. On the downside - some of them actually expect you to conversate with them once in a while - AND send those stupid smileys. What an incovenience to your already hectic schedule!

The Face book of the Dead friendslist could change the way we pretend to be interested in other people for the sake of our own agenda and eradicate the headaches of Popularity Upkeep forever!

The ease of collecting "dead friends" and the new program benefits should be obvious to anyone who can count to 10 and read See Spot Run, but for the rest of you, here's a How-to rundown:

Check Internet, TV and Radio newscasts every day for updates on a list of dead or dying celebrities. (Yes! B movie stars like Shirley Jones and Yasmin Bleeth count too!)

Check Face book's Face book of the Dead new arrivals list. (It's an application you'll be able to add on invisibly, so it won't be advertized on your Profile that you're a heartless, cold asshole - even though you really are!)

When you see a dead celebrity on the new arrival list and you want to add them as a friend, it's simple! FIND EM', CLICK EM' and FORGET EM'. It's that easy. They'll automatically be added to your list in a "special group" subcatagory.

And don't be hasty and reject adding Carot top in death, just because you hated him in life. A Face book friend is a number is a number is a number and NUMBERS add up! Plus you won't have to worry about keeping in regular contact with any of them. Whenever you check in, even 10 years from the day you added them, they'll be doing the exact same thing they were doing before - nothing! And NO special hugs, greasey licks, skid marked troll sprinkles or ANY of that bullshit that you have 48 hours to return before being labled a Face book LOSER.

And extra friends, no matter what the source, are sure to make you look like one cool Face book jazz cat...

Don't take my word for it though...see for yourself. 

Just Check, Click, Add, Forget! and you're on your way to being the member with the most friends on his Friends list - even if a few of those friends are rather stiff and boring...

Meatloaf and Meat Loaf - Learn the differences SPAMMER..

Spammers are up to new tricks these days in the race to infiltrate your blog and maybe gain a few accidental clicks by unsuspecting legitimate readers who then end up at whatever useless drivel the spammer's attempting to sell this time. The latest trick? Personalized "spam". This is spam that has slid by the old "spam drain" and at first glance, appears to be a legitimate, if not all that original comment left by some random reader who actually read something you posted.

But read it again, carefully this time, and its obvious the spammer has created an "all purpose" generic comment - designed to appear an appropriate response to any number of things, and indeed, is sent out to a multitude of blogs in every writing venue. My first clue was when I re-read a comment left on my humorous, if not quite nice, post dedicated to my long-dead grandparents. The post is vivid in its details - complete with visual aids for clarification. These already unflattering pictures have been made screamingly hideous by the addition of monster heads I photoshopped to the naked, wrinkled bodies of demented old people who appear to have been residing at some sort of care home when the photo was taken. (Disturbing all by itself.) Anyway, the gist of the post is how traumatic seeing an elderly person naked for the first time can be to a small child - who is convinced he/she is seeing a monster in the flesh - and it can scar them for life! The spammers well-thought out comment to my psychological vomit offering to the masses went something like: "Excellent information from this blog post! I will definitely bookmark your blog for further school research"... Riiiiight.......

So anyway. Here is an equally ridiculous "all purpose" comment by a Spammer who appeared to have latched on only to the word "meat loaf" when he webcrawled blogs for fun and profit, and annoyance purposes, and came across my post called "Dressing up Meatloaf for Halloween". The photoshopped copy is hard to read so I reproduced the comment and my reply for your convenience. Here is the link to the original post and comment section - if you're interested.

FROM:

Drop Shop
drop-shop.co.za/
dimitri2002@shopha.com
41.213.126.5 Submitted on 2009/10/16 at 8:37am


"Meat Loafed's unforgettable ballads and rock duets have gotten him to superstardom and you can get concert tickets today to see him live".
Drop Shop

MY reply:

surveygirl46

letmygerbilgo.wordpress.comlyricalsoul46@yahoo.com71.197.68.189
Submitted on 2009/10/16 at 9:16am

Dear Drop Shop: "I’m SO glad you took the time to read my post in it’s entirety. By your comment it appears that you DO KNOW A LOT ABOUT MEATLOAF! But I’m curious as to which, if any, Meatloaf song was playing in your head when you got to the a certain part in the post and you realize that meat loaf has been trapped in a stinky fridge for over two weeks. Did you envision in your mind's eye a meat loaf growing moldier and more despondent every day? Did your heart ache in knowing that meat loaf most likely never even came remotely close in guessing what kind of END Fate had in store for him?.. I’m guessing that even a songwriter of meat loaf's magnitude would be hardpressed to come up with the right words to express in ballad form, the desolation one feels in finally escaping the fridge to FREEDOM - only to caught again - sliced up, rolled in putrid cat shit, coated in used kitty litter, and handed over to 3 asshole teenage boys whose intent is to heat him up at 450 degrees and consume him with a bottle of Heinz ketchup like some Meat/Poop burrito - one that even AM/PM wouldn't feel right selling to innocent consumers. Well, there's only ONE MeatLoaf song I know of that even comes close to accurately protraying such lonely feelings of hopelessness and the sudden obsessive urge to commit suicide - and that song could only be “Praying for the End of Time”. So my point is this: If you think the Meat Loaf I got to know personally that fateful Halloween will be giving a public concert on this planet anytime soon, I'd advise you to confirm his physical whereabouts before selling tickets for something that probably won't ever happen again. IF there even WAS anything left of poor Meatloaf from that fateful night, and i'm sure his experience was BEYOND ketchup-curdling, it's probably correct to assume he's way beyond moldy by now. So telling fans that they can buy tickets to see him LIVE is probably stretching it a bit. The best they're gonna get these days, if anything AT ALL, is witnessing the patheticness of the left over meat loaf from that night - and i'm guessing this meat loaf will be nothing more than a severely worked over, horrible smelling, jaded, pyschologically destroyed piece of bargain bin chuck that most likely has nothing left to sing about..."

I doubt the Spammer will even check back to see if I kept his comment or not, after all his job ended when his trick worked and he gained entry! But little does he realize that I have my own tricks - like setting up innocent spammers to be featured as "special guest stars" in future posts on an often insulting, socially incorrect, humor blog....