I just can’t help but think that the chickens and cows finally have their revenge…

 

My fine literary style, and recently discovered talent for photography, score me yet another book deal…

Just thought I’d provide you with yet another shameless “sought-after author this time turned Photographer” update in regards to  Wonderful Glorius ME!

I just got word via Google Hollywood Watch that not only did my tumultuous hours-long hour of research into the oft-times mysterious field of “Herpes and other fun-filled, yet itchy, dating solutions” net me yet ANOTHER unexpected “book” deal (to be worked out when I can find the “publishing house” that took it without my permission, per usual – of course), but this time it seems they have also saw fit to display one of my heart-felt and emotional photography “stills” in the literary work as well – Note I have circled below in blue for your convenience, one of my finest works, held dear to my heart – a piece I simply call “Dick left-hanging”…” (i kind of stole the idea from that overrated movie entitled “Girl unfinished”, remember that? I barely do, either…)

Note the double entendre – Dick left HANGING, as in “left hanging wondering what’s next” and also Dick Left-Hanging, as in “hanging to the left in direction”…

PS - I had to enlarge "Dick" and re-do the color of the text for your visionary pleasure (notice I also added a photo of Old and Crabby's dating site mascot, Hilda - as a Shout Out to her for all her hard work at getting out the wrinkles when the site was new.  But if you think this pick is my attempt at a forgery, or you'd like to see the original "literary tribute of note" for yourself, please click on NIGMA and see my precious Dick left hanging with your own eyes...


Oh one more thing...

I just know you're dying to take another look at my latest photochopped remake of an old family fave (away from the limelight it shares with "Dick left hanging" as it deserves it's own gallery opening in my opinion)  Or maybe you think it's dumb, but either way - Here it is again, LARGER for your convenience this time ....enjoy..

Always remember my motto:  As long as I think it's funny, at least one person's laughing..

ONCE AGAIN IT’S TIME FOR “FROM CRAPCHAS – TO CRAP TRAILER TRANSLATIONS”

Did you know those stupid Crap-chas we always misspell when we try to leave a comment on a blog or fill out a stupid registration on the internet - they actually have a purpose in life besides beings a sharp thorn up the ass?

Yep! crap-chas are really mysterious translating codes from the underworld!  and when you take some crap-chas and string em' together it breaks the code and magikally translates that
word-salad mumble jumbo nonsense that the trailer people use to communicate with each other ...and aliens - and assembles it into a semi-coherent thought for the rest of the non-trailer world! 


This is how it works. Crap-chas harness their translating powers via the night sky in the midwest and bounce their radiowaves off the antenna of the biggest mobile home in a trailer park that can be beemed in via their neurotransmitters.  and ZOW! -  just like that- we now SEE first hand and comprehend the things those trailer folk having been trying to say, and in some cases - yell, at the nascar drivers on t.v. every race season for the past 300 years...


Want another example?  ok...
here are three crap-chas taken from three different website comment areas...(the ones I have here are random crap-chas that popped up in the place of the 3 preceding crap-chas i spelled wrong)

laries.  triver.  sledit. 

hmmm....if you say them really fast 3 times - it almost sounds like a more advanced DIALECT of trailer-lingo huh....anyway...but we're not in a mobile and we're not under a night sky - there's no way for the crap-chas to harness their powers in conditions like this...DAMN!  I guess we're screwed.....oh wait...

i forgot my secret weapon -  Mr. whizzerd!  "Oh mr whizzerd" ARE YOU HERE?  "Mr. Whizzerd?" (where is that loser?)

pooooof!!

  

(of course i do – it’s in a trash can behind Billy Rico's whiskey still (as usual) and i think you’re mistaking me for your MOMMA! (bitch)

(Pooofff!)

OK  - I GOT ER' DUN

YAY! Behold the CRAP-cha magik....! -


The 2009 unabridged edition of TRAILER-SPEAK allows:

ANY SPELLING OF A PROPER NAME THAT CAN BE IDENTIFIED PHONETICALLY AS AUTHENTIC - “LARIES” PHONETICALLY IS “LARRY’S” – SEE THIS TRAILER MALE IS A SMART UN!

THAT “THE RIVER” IS WHERE MOST OF THE TRAILER ELITE WASTE THEIR TIME, WELFARE MONEY and  BRAIN CELLS. HENCEFORTH THE IDIOM “T’RIVER” BECOMES "THE RIVER"

THE IDIOM “SLED IT'” IS THE UNIVERSALLY RECOGNIZED REDNECK DRUNKS WAY OF COMMUNICATING “SAID IT” IN BETWEEN GRABBING HIS SISTERS ASS AND VOMITING INTO A NASCAR KFC COLLECTORS ITEM CHICKEN BUCKET.  SO "SLED IT IS REALLY "SAID IT"



So boys and girls - what is the deep message in this case, that's being relayed from one red-neck to another?  

It's easy to deduce that in this situation this message is in regards to a family "situation" between husband and wife (or brother and sister as the case may be...)  -

"I dun SLED IT (said it) to you twyce now Iris Pauline! I wern't able to make yer Momma's fun'rel becuz I got my truk stuk at LARIES (Larry's) whilst we wast a'drinkin' Budlite at "TRIVER" (the river). So shut yer yap woman!"

SO there you have it!  A sentence spoken in the quaint little dialect known as Trailer-Speak, whose message was hidden from us by the universe for millions of years -  but is now revealed and is understood by the rest of us! (well....sort of)

Fun with trailer park CRAPCHAS...

MORE FUN WITH CRAPCHAS!!

What do we do with those annoying crapchas that are not only hard to read, hold us up trying to spell, but MAKE NO FUCKING SENSE, boys and girls?

We make our OWN sense out of them...

TODAY'S CRAPCHA IS

So far so good...

Uh oh..

Oh I know what it means...

Now it makes sense!

Heavenly Spammer....

My commentator - "EdgeFly" on Dressing Up Meatloaf for Halloween

STD WATCH 2009

I don't know if I should be flattered .....or worried....

Back in July of this year I posted several slams on Herpes and other STD dating sites.  I mean even though those places are OUT there (and out there if you knnow what i mean), I first started bagging on the subject just because I couldn't believe how "desirable" the advertisers made Herpes Dating sound, and I wanted to be the FIRST to provide the world with vision-envoking, if not appetizing, satire on being postively POSITIVE!  Since that time, I added a few posts on other STDS and even one joking about how I became a Doctor; after several webcrawled posts of mine appeared in publications such as this one:



When my "herpe/lice/STD posts took off like ROCKET I was stoked!  YAY! People understand me - and there's LOTS OF THEM!!

However, I was reviewing my blogs stats and the "key words" my viewing public had utilized to get to my blog and the first red flag went up:

Although it doesnt' look like a lot the "new day" in wordpress language just started an hour ago, central time.

And then there's always the strongest proof:

In case you can 't read this clearly, it shows 2,452 hits ALONE since 7/31 THIS YEAR on STD dating.  At first I was stoked at the overnight skyrocketing clicks I suddenly had - I figured there were more people out there would appreciated sick humor such as mine than I thought! Now I know that there's more people out there with STDS than I thought.  And they're looking for others...And I promise if I meet any...I'll post on it just for them.  

This guys got nakeds of MacKenzie!

Meet the latest, but certainly NOT the greatest, Splogger (Spam/Blogger) to contact me with infected cyberdribble. This time it was in reply to my post "People watching in traffic cheers me up!"

Note the eloquent way Mr. "Mackenzie Philips Nude blogspot.com" tries to "tempt" me with the tantilizing vision of the next washed-up celebrity to audition for Spray on Hair .."by Ron Popeel" in the very near future...he promises photos of her loveliness in the nude....

I seriously considered Mr. MPN's very enticing offer for a short moment.  I let my head fill with the glorious visions of personally aiding a publicity hungry Ms. Philips achieve her dream of  starring in a huge One Day at a Time THE MOVIE! movie come back.  I had already envisioned how the re-glamourization of  Ms. Philips would come to fruition.  All it would take to make MacKenzie shine like she had never shined before in her life would be to combine my talent, a glossy of her poor abused and malnourished body from the neck down, and the beloved happy chocolate face of my friend, Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, smiling jauntily at the world from her neck up. (A sort of Hankenstein's Monster if you will...)

Then it hit me and I realized that the world was in no way ready to see a naked Mackenzie Philips, re-glamourized with Mr. Hankey or not, so I sat down and wrote out a reply to Mr. MPN: 

surprise boys and girls.........

No this isn't it. I just wanted to share my shattered dream with you for a moment....
Here's my reply:

 
(trust me when i say you won't be able to read my attempts for a comment "glossy". It wouldn't photoshop right so i've reprinted it for you...)

Dear Mr. Mackenzie Phillips nude.blogspot.com Spammer -


Thank you for you for reading my post and attempting to stir up my fantasy life. However, in regards to your comment I’m a bit confused as to your intentions. Are are you “offering” to let me see “Miss Philips” in the nude? Or are you teasing me by “implying” you have the “goods” so to speak but “maybe I no get to see Ms. Phillips Nude?”!


I’m hoping…guessing it would suffice to say that you're "teasing me" with  this erotic vision and  you're right - I don’t DESERVE to NO see Ms. Philips in the nude.  I'm a depraved sicko who likes to take pictures of unsuspecting fat people sucking up their third JUMBO size bag of Lays as they haul ass out of Save Mart parking lot, taking down old people and mothers walking their kids on leashes, in a frantic attempt to get home to their defrosted Sara Lee 3 layer cheese cake before it's time for dinner. Yep, i’m a chubby tater picture taker...MacKenzie's fine venus-like physique is WAY too classy for my portfolio.


So I guess I will have to just live with the fact that some of the finer things in life will pass me by  - all due to my ignorance of what's classy and what's not.  And I will cry myself to sleep tonite-  knowing I have only myself to blame for yet another dream dashed to pieces like so many of my Crisco can chamber pots!



I hope my new splogger friend doesn't try to persuade me next with naked pictures of  BEA ARTHUR - I don't think my photoshopping addiction would let me pass up "hankifying" Maude...